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When Moms Have Colds

Yesterday I struggled to get through my workday. I had an ongoing icepick headache behind my right eye (3 seconds of intense pain, then it goes away, repeat). I also got pretty nauseous and spent some time hanging out near my trashcan. I told my manager that I didn't feel well but I would power through. Because that's what moms do. We power through. We don't have the option to be sick and broken down, even when we are.

Most of the dads I know are doctor-avoidant and rarely get sick. I have a theory on why they stay so healthy - because they don't interact with kids (aka human incubators) as much as moms are expected to. When a kiddo gets the pukes or the sneezes, they're more likely to be puking on mom than on dad.

What is this, 1800? Is that a real thermometer? Huffington Post

Maybe that's for the better? Dads are notorious for reverting to toddler-hood when they've cone down with a sniffle. I'm sure you've heard of the man-cold? It's actually impossible for a mom to catch the man-cold. We get a vaccination against it immediately after birth or at the adoption ceremony.

Common symptoms of the man-cold include a runny nose, sneezing, and bitchassness. Within six hours of onset, a grown man will lose the ability to get their own glass of water or be in the presence of noisy kids. The man-cold dictates a solid three days of recovery in quiet conditions with a vacation from adult responsibilities.

This man has a cold with a severe case of bitchassness. Wikipedia.

The man-cold differs from the man-cold in basically one way - it's a viral infection specific to moms.

When a mom has a cold, she also has to care for at least one other person who also has some form of illness. In addition, mom-colds routinely strike the day before a significant event: a huge client presentation, the talent show, or (my favorite) a family vacation! Symptoms might appear similar to man-cold, but with a noteable lack of bitchassness.

Treatment for the mom-cold includes shipping the kids off to your mother's house. If that's not an option, lock yourself in the bathroom with a jar of Vick's and a bottle of cough syrup. Steam is helpful to loosen up any gunk in your lungs, sinues, or throat. You might also find that creature comforts have a pleasant effect: fuzzy socks, fluffy pillows, and a cozy robe can do more for the spirit than the body. But hey - take any mood boost you can. You don't get the luxury of resting in peace when you're sick - you're a mom. But you can sure as hell skip that underwire bra that pinches your pit tit. No shame.

Hide from the kids.

Mom-colds might not look as severe as man-colds, but they are still a pain in the butt. As the people who run da world (girls!), we can't just clock out from parenting. It's a full-time job, 52 weeks a year, and there's no PTO for your sick days. Your best bet is to start coughing all over the doorknobs and remotes to try to take down the rest of the family. This way, they'll move slower and you'll be able to keep up even in your mom-cold-impaired state. Feel better soon, moms. The world needs you to run the game.

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