My friend, JD, is mere weeks from her due date with her second child. We don't live near one another, so our typical conversations come in fits and starts. I'll text her, she'll text back hours later: "Sorry, I was cleaning the floor vents."
Um WUT. Girl, you is so very prenganante.
I gotta admit, I admire her drive. Part of me is a wee bit jealous. If they could bottle that nesting hormone stuff that happens during your third trimester, they'd be BAJILLIONAIRES and my house would never be dirty ever again. She claims it's these clean-with-me YouTube videos, but we all know it's really that baby in her belly. Nesting is so endearing to me - it's a mama's effort to make the home safe and secure and clean for her new bundle. It's instinctual and a deeply rational choice, but it's driven by a primal urge that I dare anyone to resist.
That's a trick challenge because I'm basically asking you to stop a hurricane from pounding down your front door. Armed with a spork. And a blanket. Good. Luck.
Speaking of hurricanes, JD recently evacuated from her spotless, perfectly-nested home in the lead-up to Hurricane Florence. Here's hoping she has time to reset everything (or that it was left untouched) before the baby comes. Before they fled to higher ground, she proudly reported that she had deep-cleaned her bathroom and the master suite. "At least my house will be clean when the hurricane rips my roof off."
Together, we came up with a list of all of the things you MUST clean in order to feel fully "nested" before the baby comes.
Wash every piece of clothing in the house with the same detergent. Must use a matching fabric softener or scent beads. Preferably Gain. Preferably Original Scent.
Repeat this process with your bedding, but be super extra and demand a different coordinated and paired scent.
Now that all the clothing is washed and folded or perfectly hung, realize that your hangers don't all match. Replace them all.
When you're hanging the clothes on the new hangers, start purging them with vigor. Make an unrealistic goal to toss half of everything you own. Do it anyway. Stay up until 4 am one night to make it happen.
Crap. Now no one has clothes. Go shopping. Color coordinate the entire family's wardrobes with one another. Hang them on your fancy new hangers.
Scrub the baseboards.
Wipe the fan blades. Get on a chair at a billion months pregnant and dust them until your partner begs you to stop climbing on things.
Notice that the light switch has a leftover paint splotch, and two of them in the same room clearly are different shades of ivory. Replace every switchplate and outlet cover in your house.
Gah! The carpet stain that's been there for three years has got to go! Try Resolve. Try Folex. Try LA Awesome. Rent a carpet shampooer. Buy a carpet shampooer. Give up and order carpet replacement while your partner is away on business. Of course, they are incredulous and don't understand how FILTHY the old carpet was. Never mind that it was only five years old.
Realize your couch cushions have removable covers and have them all dry cleaned. Iron them with starch. Seriously consider buying those geriatric-people clear plastic furniture covers.
Scrub the baseboards again.
Replace the air filter. Notice that there is VISIBLE DUST in your floor vents, and buy a Shop-Vac so you can vacuum as far as the hose will reach. Buy a hose extender. Spend four hours on your knees sucking all the dust out of your duct system.
Wipe the fan blades that got re-covered in dust with all the vacuuming.
Demand your partner moves the fridge and the oven so you can clean and mop beneath them. Never in your life have you considered doing this, but now you MUST and it MUST HAPPEN IMMEDIATELY.
Replace your burner pans on your stovetop. Buy two sets and switch them out for when company comes.
Spray everything with Mrs. Meyer's Lavender All Purpose Spray. This is a daily task.
Those baseboards look filthy...
Remove everything from your kitchen cabinets. Purge all unmatched Tupperware lids. Wipe the inside of your cabinets with more Mrs. Meyer's. Buy fifteen rolls of shelf liner and reline the cabinets. No one will see this but you, but your baby will just not be safe in the midst of the old cabinet liners.
Polish every shoe in the house.
Lay on your back so you can wipe the undersides of your furniture. Get stuck. Make your partner pull you out from under the ottoman by your ankles. Make them swear to never speak of this day. Promptly text your BFF about it.
GAH! THE WINDOWS! It's amazing that you can even see through them at all! Bust out the Windex. Follow it with Mrs. Meyer's All Purpose spray so that everything in the house smells the same.
(Parts two, three, four, five, and six to come in future installations.)
Did you nest like this when you were pregnant? Do you miss that motivation to clean allthethings? Tell me what motivates you now! @pi3sugarpi3 on Twitter.