Ever since I had my first child, I always had one question and that was: how do you stop? How do you stop having children? While I understand that everyone is different and they have different views for their family, I cannot see how I will ever be “okay” with not having any more children one day. There are a lot of people out there that don’t want any children, and that is valid. There are people out there who are ‘one and done,’ and that is completely valid. There are even people out there who don’t really know what they want, but they end up with a boy and a girl, and they realize they are done, and that is completely valid. There are also people who have more than 10 children, and that is valid.
Basically, whatever any family wants to do is valid and good, and we should all support that. This is just my story on how I get to the point where I am content with the children I have. Reading that back I realize how awful that must sound. It feels like the children I have are somehow not “enough” for me, and I want to preface by saying that, that is not the case at all. Let me tell you my story.
I have three children, a 5-year-old, a 3-year-old, and a 2-year-old, and they keep me busy. I see the countless social media posts about moms who have a similar number of children to me, and they are almost disgusted about the thought of having more children. It is exhausting and tiring, but it is also the best thing I have every done. I don’t feel that way. Growing up, I always wanted a big family, and so did the man I ended up marrying, but I know our story of welcoming babies is ending.
In full transparency, I am 36 years old, and my husband just turned 39. We know that we are about done, and we are going to start trying soon for our 4th baby. However, we also know that if this 4th baby comes, it will be out last. We may not be able to get one more baby, and three may be what is meant for me. I am ok with that? No? If that is the case, will I have to accept it? Yes. But, how?
Baby fever is real, and I feel the pang every time I see a pregnant woman or a new little baby. In fact, my brother and his wife are expecting a baby in the next month, and unbeknownst to them, I have cried several times because of jealousy, even though I am so happy to be becoming an aunt. If we do get another baby, how do I go through the pregnancy, childbirth, and newborn stage accepting that this is my last one? I am sure that other, more experienced moms, will tell me that the feeling does eventually go away. That your views change as you, and your children, age and go through more life experiences.
The reality is, we can’t do this forever. We can’t go through life and keep having children. Our bodies (and wallets) just won’t allow it, and maybe a perspective change is needed. Where I stop thinking about all the things I will miss about a newborn baby, like the smell and the way they feel in my arms, and I start thinking about the things I won’t necessarily miss. Trying to remind myself that no more babies means less diaper changes, less sleepless nights and less messes to clean up. I know that this is not going to be easy, and it is not something that will happen overnight, but it will come.
However, maybe it won’t. Maybe I will live the rest of my life having a small part of my heart wanting to have another baby. Maybe one day, I will become a grandmother, and I will get to relive those days when one of my children hands over their baby, and I can feel my heart swell up. I know I am excited about my new niece (or nephew) to come into this world so that I can hold a tiny baby again. The message I seem to be getting to myself is that time will tell. The next chapter of my life is about to start, and it is always hard to close a chapter in your life, and I will wait for the day when my heart feels content as a mother of however many children I end up having.