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OMG! 16 of the Most Inappropriate Children's Books EVER!

Warning: Some of the book titles have language that some readers might find inappropriate. Some of the illustrations are not suitable for the workplace, are graphic, and may offend some people. Please continue on at your own risk...but we kinda hope you do.

We’ve all seen them made fun of on our Facebook feeds. Children’s books, or books that look JUST like a children’s book, but with themes, pictures, or innuendo (intentional or otherwise) that make you tilt your head and mutter, “seriously?”. And you can admit it, some of them are bloody hilarious.

While some of these aren't technically children's books, you certainly wouldn't want to have them lying around in close proximity or anywhere near tiny hands. So regardless of whether you think these are appropriate for children (I'll let you figure that one out) or not, lets just embrace them for what they are; funny!

16 If a Peacock Finds a Pot Leaf

This is a tale about marijuana; medical marijuana, to be exact. It starts when Peter the Peacock finds a weird new plant in the forest (guesses what plant he finds?). He goes on to meet some helpful creatures who explain all the benefits of medical marijuana. To someone who is more pro-marijuana, this book may not be as inappropriate, but to the anti-all drugs mama, this book may just cross the line. At least the title gives you full warning about just what you’re getting into when it comes to this book.

15 Games You can Play with Your Pussy

Admit it, you giggled at the title. It’s actually a book all about how to take care of your cat, and I do mean your actual cat. Some of the chapter titles are even more hilarious, such as How to Handle a Hot Pussy.  (you giggled again!)

Whether or not this was geared towards children, the illustrations would definitely lead a child into thinking it’s an appropriate book. And what a rude surprise they’d get when they flip to the page about 'Naming Your Pussy', and come running up asking if they can get a pussy and name it Muffin. I would die laughing, after falling from my seat in shock.

14 Don’t Make Me Go Back, Mommy

There are so many things this book could be about, and none of them bring good thoughts to your mind. That being said, did your mind go to satanic ritual abuse?

 This one is definitely for kids, because Amazon says, “Any child who has been ritually abused will recognize the validity of this story”. So, yeah...

This is from the Hurts of Childhood series, which is apparently a thing, frighteningly enough. Oh, and the words in the text and all illustrations are based on months of intensive research into the nature and practice of satanic ritual abuse. At least the kids are getting accurate descriptions.

13 The Night Dad Went to Jail

This is another one that is 100% for kids. This book is designed for the children of a parent who has to go to jail in mind. It’s part of the Life’s Challenges series.

On a personal note, I think this is one of those topics best left to the parents to discuss with the child, or the parent as it were. But if you’ve had that talk already, then I honestly don’t see the harm in a book like this. It has a 4 star rating on Amazon, so it has to be doing something right. I think the shock value to this one is all in the name.

12 GoodBye, Testicles

Ah ha! I had you going with this one, didn’t I? No, this isn’t a real book, this one was a photoshop of a cover to a book called Good-Bye, Tonsils. This is more of a gag gift, and you can get it as a refrigerator magnet, but unfortunately, there is no tale about a dog losing his testicles on the internet. Chalk this one up to a writer who was wondering if you could tell which of these books are real, and which just so happen to be 100% fake.

11 If You Give a Kid a Cookie, Will He Shut the F**k Up?

Designed more for adults, but maintaining those lovely children’s illustrations, this book is, and I quote, “a hilarious, deeply honest, profanity-laced book for parents who will do whatever it takes for a moment’s peace.” It’s about what happens when you give into a child’s temper tantrums and just give them the stinking cookie. From what I understand, the end results in the book are not pleasant. A cautionary tale, one laced with humor, and lots of swearing, but if you get it, keep it far away from the kiddies!

10 Maggie Goes on a Diet

Let’s just throw some body shaming into the mix here. This is a book about a 14 year old girl who goes on a diet. She is magically transformed, because we all know that there’s no other reasons kids may be overweight, from being very overweight into being a ‘normal’ sized girl and the school soccer star.

The book claims to be about getting a positive self image, but honestly, shouldn’t it be more about giving kids a positive self image in the bodies they already have? This book promotes less positivity, and runs more along the lines of “If you’re fat, you can’t achieve anything.” We don't approve.

9 Where Willy Went

Yes, this is a real book, and yes, it is about a sperm. The hero of the book is Willy, a sperm who lives inside someone with his spermy friends, and practices for the, I kid you not, Great Swimming Race. The prize? An egg. And yes, it explains how the sperm and egg become a baby, too.

8 Poor Pussy Game

No, it’s not a porn game. It’s a real children’s game, all about pretending to be a pussy...cat that is. All the guests sit around the room, and one person is chosen as the pussy. The pussy must go over to a guest and meow 3 times. The guest must pet the pussy’s head and say “Poor Pussy” 3 times, without laughing. The pussy has to try to make the guest laugh, and can go from one guest to another trying to elicit laughs. The first person to laugh becomes the new pussy. Title aside, with the slang meaning of the word pussy nowadays, this game brings wrong thoughts on so many levels.

7 My Big Sister Takes Drugs

Well, what other way do we have to teach our kids about the dangers of drugs, other than colorfully illustrated children’s novels? When the police bring home the protagonist Paul’s sister, Tina, home after she was caught doing drugs in the park, a nightmare begins for the family. All of Paul’s plans are ruined, and his newfound friendship is also at risk, all because of Tina. The book is definitely made for kids, and people who have reviewed it say that it would help any child who has a relative who does drugs. Is this appropriate subject matter for a book to teach kids, or should this be handled by a good long talk?

6 Little Monkey’s Big Peeing Circus

The book is about a monkey, aptly titled Little Monkey, who is so impressed with his peeing prowess that he opens...a peeing circus. And he pees, and pees, and pees. Mimi, who is super jealous of Little Monkey’s peeing skills, wants to join in the good, yellow tinted fun, but she’s missing the necessary equipment. But, surprise! She can shoot off jets of pee just as well as he can!

I’m guessing this is supposed to be a funny take on the whole ‘I’ll show you mine if you show me yours’ bit, but...it overshoots the mark by leaps and yellow bounds.

5 So, You’ve Got a Fat Pussy

Again, not a book about what you think it’s about. It’s a book about cats. It's actually more about dieting for overweight cats.  And while, I’m not thinking it’s for children, the illustration would definitely confuse a kid into thinking it’s made for them. The book is chock full of non-nonsensical and hilariously illustrated diets, and with a hefty price tag of $100, it better be beyond funny. It’s a cute little book that makes you chuckle when you first see the title.

4 Melanie’s Marvelous Measles

Yes, there is a book about how awesome and not-dangerous the measles are, and yes, it is geared to kids. The book is all about childhood vaccinations, and explores the various vaccinations, from the smallpox to the measles and chicken pox. The author has dedicated her life to educating people all about vaccines and natural health choices.

Controversy surrounded this book when it was released, as many pro-vaccination people don’t like how it makes measles look like a walk in the park. Appropriate for kids? Well, that all depends on if you are for or against vaccines, to be honest.

3 You Have to F**king Eat

This another one of those parody books that vent out parental frustrations, but looks like they’re made for children, and if you didn’t know better, you’d think it was a kids book. Getting your kid to eat something that resembles a real meal is a frustration many parents know and lament about regularly. There’s books for everything else it would seem, so why not have a book all about getting the fact that they have to eat something, anything? It’s filled with profanity and it’s absolutely hilarious.

2 Go the F*ck to Sleep

Just like the book before it, this is for the parents, but it sure looks like it’s for the kids. This one’s all about trying to get your precious little one to just go to sleep, take a nap, go to bed for the night, any situation where you can imagine them needing some shut eye.

Filled with the same vulgarity and swearing that the last book was so fond of, this book will have you tempted to read it to your precious ones as you tuck them in for the 20th time that night. Did I mention there's a sequel? It's called, 'Seriously, Just Go the F*ck to Sleep'.

1 How a Baby is Made

I’ll bet you’ve seen this one getting around! With graphic illustrations about genitals, sex, and childbirth, it had parents in an uproar since pictures from this book began making the rounds. And yes, this is a book for kids, it’s not a spoof or parody; it’s really made for kids.

It was written in 1975 by a Danish writer and psychotherapist named Per Holm Knudsen, and you can buy a copy from Amazon Books today if you really wanted to. The book describes, in very graphic detail, the process of how a baby is made, all the way from sex, up to birth. And when I say graphic, well...

Yeah, a lot of the books on this list aren’t exactly made for kids, but I can imagine a child seeing the cover and thinking, “Oh neat, something new to read!” And then you have to sit and explain what a pussy is, and I mean the actual term and not the slang, or explain why the cute book is filled with words that they’re not allowed to use on a regular basis. Imagine it, they go to school, and the teacher asks them what they did over the weekend. Their response?

“Oh, I read ‘Go the F*ck to Sleep!'”

Yeah, I’ll bet that will go over swimmingly.

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