For the moms who have lost a pregnancy, nothing in the world will compare to what follows. No stories peddled by friends and family or books on the market can ever prepare a woman for what happens the minute she conceives. Whatever the state of preparedness a woman is in, whether a planned pregnancy or an accidental one, something happens when the woman starts to get used to the child in her womb. Some women talk to the fetus while others get aggressively possessive of him/her.
The universal thing about pregnancy is that women change their behavior when they realize they are pregnant. They start taking better care of themselves and even the slightest fall leads to a major panic. Unfortunately, despite a woman's best intentions, miscarriages, especially in the first trimester are rampant and a woman is never truly safe until she is past the eight-week mark and even after this, though reduced, there are chances of a miscarriage throughout the pregnancy. When a woman has a miscarriage, the feeling of emptiness and devastation is out of this world. Unfortunately, society expects us to accept and move on without mourning that loss, after all, it wasn't a baby, just a fetus.
So we bottle up the pain and because the woman still has high levels of hormone, chances of her getting pregnant are pretty high after a miscarriage and even though every mother wants a child, and she may want one ASAP in order to take away the feeling of emptiness left by the previous one, these 15 things can happen when one gets pregnant after a miscarriage.
15 The Chance Of A Second
Very Well Family gives us hope when it comes to chances of a second miscarriage, saying there is a more than 60 percent chance of having a healthy pregnancy after a previous miscarriage, but a 14 to 21 percent chance of a second miscarriage. While this statistic is meant to make a woman feel better and hope for the best, the problem with human nature is that we obsess over the small things and for a woman who has previously had a miscarriage, she tends to think that she is in the 14 percent statistics.
According to Romper, Danielle, a mother confesses “I was pregnant with twins when I found out, at 19 weeks, that one of my sons' hearts had stopped beating. I had no idea at the time, but that kind of loss was going to stick with me long after I birthed a son that would cry and a son that would remain silent. I had no idea that now, even two years later, the ache of that loss would weigh heavily on me and impact my decisions. My partner and I are trying to get pregnant again, and I am nothing short of terrified. I know what it is like to have someone tell me that I have lost a baby. I know what it's like to be a statistic; the kind that doctors and nurses and the Internet warn pregnant women about. I am so afraid that I will experience the same thing, again. I'm so afraid that pregnancy loss will be part of my pregnancy course, and I'll have to mourn a future I was never able to experience.”
14 Frequent Ultrasounds
Women who have gone through a miscarriage go through a lot of heartaches made worse by the fact that they normally have no one to share this devastating experience with. Even our partners really do not understand and some of them even go as far as getting resentful because they feel we are obsessing over something that a million women out there go through by choice. Even our friends want us to keep the feelings to ourselves as for some reason most people feel that this is a shameful or inconsequential issue. So we keep the issues to ourselves and in the process, we develop a phobia for pregnancy.
The thought of getting pregnant and actually carrying the child for nine months in uncertainty can be scary, even for the bravest of us. If we find out that we are pregnant, there is always that nagging feeling that something could go wrong. A woman who has had a previous miscarriage is considered high risk. Lack of nausea makes us think there is something wrong and too much nausea makes us panic. It is a roller coaster of emotion and that is why every one of those doctors’ visits has us pleading for an ultrasound just to reassure us that everything is going right. That heartbeat is the only thing that makes us sleep soundly, at least for that night until the insecurities kick in again.
13 The Numbing Feeling
Early pregnancy loss according to USC Fertility is the same as losing any other loved one. Unfortunately, the cause of a miscarriage is hard to know even though early pregnancy loss is said to be hormonal. There really is no cure or treatment for a miscarriage. Knowing this, a woman who has previously lost a child is left in a daze and a feeling of helplessness. This is the woman who looks at those two lines on the pregnancy kit and goes numb. One is not sure what to do with the news.
A mother who suffered a miscarriage told Baby Center, “I had 2 miscarriages myself, now I am 33 weeks. When I first found out I was pregnant again I didn't care about the baby anymore because of being so negative. I thought the same thing might happen again. As days went by here I am now having a healthy pregnancy.”
Research shows that the only remedy that can be used to prevent recurrence of a miscarriage is not medicinal, rather its simply tender loving care.
Women who have support from their family, partner and loved ones do better than those who do not have support.
12 Craving For Morning Sickness
Pregnancies are different. While one pregnancy may be plagued with debilitating nausea and heartburn, the other pregnancy may be smooth without a tinge of nausea. The reason we know we are pregnant or even take that pregnancy test is because of we are simply uncomfortable. Even before we realize that we have missed that period, the discomfort that comes with pregnancy hits us. After a miscarriage, one may fall pregnant, often by accident and without notice, and it becomes one of those silent pregnancies.
While most women simply can't bear morning sickness and the thought of it is enough to make them say no to a pregnancy, a woman who has undergone a miscarriage prays for all the discomforts that pregnancy brings. For some reason, we believe that having nausea and the heartburn and swollen feet is a testimony that the baby is truly there and growing well. For us, the more nausea the better. We read the articles online that say that nausea is an indication of a healthy pregnancy and the doubts creep in. Is mine not healthy? We wonder if there is something we could do to get nausea or at least an indication of discomfort to show that this time around, the cards will be dished out differently.
11 Pregnancy Feels Different
Pregnancy is a difficult time for any woman. We are growing another human being in our body and our body will at times try to reject that human being. When a miscarriage occurs, most of us experience acute devastation and we are left feeling as if our world has stopped. After a miscarriage, the woman goes through a roller coaster of strong emotions and no book and no video could ever prepare her for what comes with this.
If she gets pregnant after a miscarriage, she has to go through the self-doubt and the fear and anxiety through the nine months. While previously, she sent step by step anecdotes of her pregnancy journey to her friends. With this pregnancy, everything has to stay bottled up and she endures the loneliest pregnancy ever. Pregnancy after a miscarriage does bring hope for some women like mamamia, who says on What to Expect, “So this is my third pregnancy in a year. I've had two miscarriages since last September. But I also have an 18-month-old daughter, so I know I can have children. I'm noticing that this pregnancy just feels right. With my last two miscarriage, I had this overwhelming doom feeling along with some insomnia and not much other pregnancy symptoms. I feel this pregnancy is strong and I'm optimistic.”
10 Always Checking Downstairs
Every woman who has had a miscarriage will attest to this. We are turned into paranoid people who are always running into the bathroom to check what is happening downstairs. Haleana says,
“I'm new to this so bear with me. I've had two previous mc's, the last was about six months ago. First one was at six weeks and the second was at 9 weeks. I'm now at five weeks pg and am terrified. I constantly feel overly wet downstairs, which makes me think I'm bleeding, especially when accompanied by cramping and pulling pains. The other day I had to abandon my shopping, ran to my car and had to check whether I was bleeding! If anyone looked over, they'd have seen me rummaging around in my knickers in broad daylight!”
Every minute of every day and every time we feel a simple drip in our underwear, we feel extremely scared, so we rush into the bathroom expecting to see pink.
Even after we are past the risky part of the pregnancy, which is the first trimester, we still cannot settle and for some reason, we feel as if the slightest drip is an indication of something going wrong with the pregnancy.
9 High Risk Hurdles
No woman ever imagines that a day will come when she will become a statistic and someone will tell her that unfortunately, she cannot carry a baby as easily as millions of women do. These things are rarely discovered early and on most occasions, they are discovered way too late. Research reported in Medical Daily says, “We found that women with FOXD1 mutations have a statistically high risk of suffering RSA [recurrent spontaneous abortion]. While pregnancy is a normal process for most women, for these women, full-term pregnancies are an uphill task.”
The only way a woman who has this genetic mutation can have a safe pregnancy is if she gets treatment and even then, her pregnancies will always be categorized as high risk. When one is in this category, along with the doctors help, what one requires the most is support from family and friends and in Baby Center, Mindy says that she has that. She says, "I'm almost 23 weeks and high-risk because I'm 36 and have a blood clotting disorder. I've had three miscarriages, too. My husband does everything around the house and handles my needs. He reassures me that my main job is taking care of the health of our baby and me."
8 Always In Mourning
Losing a child is devastating and having a miscarriage is losing a child. That baby may only have been only two or three weeks old, but that woman is still a mom and even though that child has grown wings she or he is still that woman's baby and the devastation, though most people downplay this pain, the loss is no less for the woman who had a miscarriage. When that child leaves a woman's body, for the longest time she will still be feeling the child's presence and she will keep feeling as if he is still kicking. It is those feelings that tend to keep the woman in perpetual mourning.
The slightest thing triggers deep emotions and tears in her eyes. Seeing someone else pregnant or carrying her child makes one feel resentful and sad. The questions why me and why not the others become the beginning of the woman's sorrow. A new pregnancy becomes a scary prospect and even if one knows that she is expecting a child, she will always be afraid that what happened to the other child will happen to this one too and so the excitement with the previous pregnancy is not witnessed in the new.
7 The Paranoia
Getting pregnant after a miscarriage is scary for everyone. Most women start to think that maybe the universe is punishing them for a sin or other things that they have committed. All those things that one did before that were not exactly straight, start to put doubt in us. Then, of course, there is the one where we think that maybe it is those family planning meds that messed up our system or that maybe just maybe, we are not mother material. The feelings of inadequacy make us think that something is wrong with our anatomy.
These fears are so alive in us that seeing a simple stain on our pants has us googling ‘white sticky discharge in pregnancy’ or ‘peeing too much in pregnancy.' Unfortunately, the Internet has all the information we need and some that we really do not need, as anyone with a laptop can become an authority on the dos and don'ts of pregnancy.
While it is a good thing to be careful and to take note of anything that seems ‘abnormal' during pregnancy, it is also advisable to take it easy and not over obsess over oozing unless of course there is red.
6 Reusing Baby Clothes
When a woman finds out she is pregnant, we have a tendency to buy baby clothes and baby cribs and even make a beautiful nursery in preparation for the coming baby. No pregnant woman ever lets a single onesie go without yearning for it. That is the joy of motherhood. When we are buying, we dream only of the best and we firmly believe that the child we are carrying will come into the world and ours will be a happy home. Unfortunately, when the worst happens, we are left with baby things we have no idea what to do with
Christy, in her blog Unspoken Grief says, “I have owned a crib for four years and I don’t have a child. I have moved this crib in and out of two apartments, one a condo, and then to my dad’s basement. I also have a matching combo unit, bassinet, baby monitor and two totes full of baby clothes and toys.” Most mothers have no idea what to do with these treasures. “We are trying again, but it somehow feels wrong to use the clothes that I bought for my baby that died before birth if i conceive a child again. It breaks our hearts having them sitting in a pile after what has happened” says Emily on Community Baby Centre.
5 Pregnancy Becomes A Secret
When a woman gets pregnant for the first time, the excitement makes her tell everyone in the family about her pregnancy and some people even go out to have elaborate baby showers or announcement parties to let their family and friends know that they are expecting. When a miscarriage occurs, telling the same group of people about this misfortune is really hard and it is even harder when they pat you on the back and let you know that you will have another.
When one gets pregnant the second time, the loneliness is real. As one mom said, “With my first pregnancy, we told our families right away. It was Christmas, and we were celebrating. I never dreamed I would be un-telling everyone a month later. With my next pregnancy, I was determined not to make the same mistake. We waited a long time before telling anyone, which made me feel protected, but also alone. My pregnancy became a secret to keep, instead of happy news to share. I held everything inside — exactly when I needed my friends and family the most.” The fear of having to un-tell the news is devastating and this is why most of us let the baby show before we can own up to it and even when it clearly shows, we try as much as possible to steer the topic away from the pregnancy because we are afraid too much excitement may jinx it.
4 Guilt And Self-Doubt
The Internet was a great invention and it can be a very useful resource. Unfortunately, this resource is a woman's worst nightmare. A woman who has lost a baby will find a million and one articles that says she is the reason why she had that miscarriage. There will be that seemingly authoritative person that makes her feel that that chair she lifted is the reason she lost the baby or that painkiller she took during that particularly debilitating headache or maybe it is because she took a bit longer to start her prenatal clinics or could it be that glass of wine she drank during that party?
All these maybes fill a woman with so much doubt that when the woman falls pregnant again, she is afraid to do anything that could potentially jeopardize that pregnancy.
Being afraid to disclose the pregnancy secret, she finds herself in situations where people expect her to help out with some chores that she is afraid to fulfill. Being afraid to take any form of medicine or even enjoy a hot dog can make a woman's pregnancy journey hard. Pregnancies should be enjoyed and one should know that each pregnancy is different from the last and chances of the miscarriage occurring are very low.
3 The Excitement Is Gone
When one loses a child, even after she gets pregnant again, it is like she is in mourning and even though she is happy that she is having a child, there is that desire to have the one that got wings. It is this desire that makes us feel like we are being disloyal to our little angels by being happy about the new baby. Meredith told the Huffington Post this about her second pregnancy, “For a long time, I found myself prefacing every statement about my baby with ‘If we make it through the pregnancy’ or ‘If the baby is born.’ I was afraid to be excited, terrified of letting in too much joy. I was uncomfortable buying furniture for the nursery, shopping for onesies, or even thinking of names. Looking back, I wish I had let myself enjoy it more. But my wounds were still fresh. I didn’t want to indulge hopes that might lead to heartbreak.”
Every woman wants to be carrying a child she is meant to have. Fearing that this one may also be an angel not meant to stay can be really devastating for a woman. Learning to accept the pregnancy she is carrying and learning to stay positive and happy will go a long way in ensuring that she has a smooth pregnancy.
2 Fear Of The Unknown
A woman who has had a miscarriage is a paranoid woman. Getting pregnant after the miscarriage doesn’t change that. When we first realize we are pregnant again, we start dreading that first prenatal visit. The loss makes us feel like we are the most unlucky person and thoughts of ‘what if its ectopic, or not viable?’, plague us to no end. We dare not hope and when we eventually garner up the courage to go into the doctor's office for that first visit, the feeling of relief when we hear the baby's heartbeat is out of this world. It is after this that we start to panic again.
If something is not right with us like low progesterone levels then we catapult into a world of fear. So we take every precaution and follow the doctors orders to the letter. A woman who has been through loss is more careful than the doctor himself, but even after we have successfully completed the first trimester, we still feel anxious and the fear stays with us. Miscarriages leave deep wounds that cannot be erased easily and the only time this fear ends is when we hold our rainbow in our arms and that is when he or she eventually wipes our tears away.
1 Holding Your Breath
The best thing happens and a woman finds out that she is pregnant again. This is when the woman tries very hard to take care of herself to change the status of her previous loss. Despite all of her best intentions, sometimes a woman does get that pink drop of blood on her undies and she is devastated. Spotting in the first trimester is normal though and it does not have to end in a miscarriage. When women experience this, there are chances of saving the child, be it through hormonal injections and in some cases, the doctor may order one to take complete bed rest.
For the woman who has a second miscarriage scare and the one who is going through a smooth pregnancy after a miscarriage, they both hold their breath praying and hoping for the best. Every day for these women is filled with anxiety and fear because they have gone through the worst situation in their lives.
The slightest discomfort and the slightest change puts these women in a panic.
If one goes through a miscarriage, the one bit of advice that can come from one mother to the other is to take it easy and to hope that everything works out for the best and that we will all get to hold and treasure our rainbow babies.