Hey there readers, I am going to get really transparent with you guys for this article. Not enough people are brave enough to share their struggles. I know why! In a world where mothers are getting land-basted and mom shamed around every corner, moms don't want to give their haters more ammunition. If you share with people some intimate details about your life then it gives them the ability to throw that knowledge back in your face. I get it. Now, moms are afraid to tell people that they are struggling, that they really don't have life put together, and their life is not filtered perfection that that is seen on Instagram. Nobody's life is like that! People rarely put the bloopers of their lives on social media.
I would like to share something with you that I feel like is very important. I am a mother of four children and I have been struggling with mental illness since I was eight years old. I am Bipolar and I have a panic disorder. People really do have a misconception as to their definition of bipolar disorder. People say it as a joke when somebody "snaps" in their emotions quickly. That just isn't true. People who are bipolar will go in waves of mania and depression. Sometimes I have severe depression where I want to end my life while other times I am waking up in the middle of the night to paint my front door. Manic is a concept many people don't understand. Manic means I believe that I am at the top of the world. I can accomplish anything. I can't sit still, I dive head first into projects, I have to be doing something. I have torn up my carpet because I didn't like the smell even though I didn't have a plan as to what to do about the flooring. I have woken up at 3 a.m to scrub the kitchen floors because I couldn't fall asleep knowing they were dirty. I have gone grocery shopping at 3 a.m, bought ridiculous things (then had to return them a week later), and I sometimes can't control my talking. I am on medications that helps with the ups and downs but it isn't perfect. I spent my whole life not being medicated and then finally got help when I was 21 years old. What a world of difference! I still fight it though.
Like I said, I am a mother of four children. They are too young to understand mental illness and so I suffer silently. I suffer without them seeing. I will confide in my husband and he is my support, my rock and my perfect partner for this crazy world. When my children get older and start to understand that sometimes our brains fight against us, I will explain my struggle. I want them to know that if they start feeling thoughts of suicide they can come to their mom and we can create an action plan to help with their health.
My children are my strength. They are the reason that I fight so hard. They are my motivation for everything. Suicidal thoughts pass through my brain. I don't know how to completely stop them but my babies are my beacon of hope. They prove to me that I can and have done four things right in this world. I am actually a really good mom. When I am manic, my kids love it, because I get extremely spontaneous and we go to fun places and buy really cool things. When I am down, they don't mind because it means they get a lot of snacks and movies! In their innocent children minds they don't see anything wrong with mom. They know their mom is not boring and we often do fun and out of the ordinary things.
Yes, I am crazy. Yes, I have bipolar disorder. Yes, I sometimes have panic attacks.
And YES, I am a good mom!