Motherhood is a transition. This is a reality many women know the moment they discover they're pregnant when they have to start switching their mindset around.

Many of us even know this truth as children when we decide we want to start a family someday. We hear stories about the difficulties of motherhood and tell ourselves we will do everything in our power to push through the hardships and embrace everything motherhood has to hand over. However, what we don't realize is just how big of a transition motherhood truly is. We see the smiling shell of a mother wearing a few cracks here and there - but we see the beauty first. As children, we look over those cracks and only do we really notice them when we are the ones wearing them.

I always wanted to be a mother. This was something I knew very early on. However, being the anxiety-ridden person I always was, I had hoped to have children on my own terms. Of course, life doesn't always agree with those terms and sometimes decides to smack you around a little bit to toughen you up.  Well, Life, you sure did smack me around - and, I guess, toughen me up a little bit too.

The Adulthood Whirlwind I Never Saw Coming

The moment I graduated from college, I knew I wanted to get my own apartment and get a puppy - both things I did within months of graduating. On top of that, I started my first full-time job which led to all the other tasks adulthood throws at us: bills to pay, loans to pay off, constant laundry to do (or avoid). However, I also got to experience the independence adulthood allows us to experience: going out to the bar whenever I want, spending too much on coffee, making my own schedule, making my own rules.

For several years, I embraced both the tiring adulthood tasks and the freeing ones. I switched jobs a few times and moved to a different city where I really came into my own and felt like the hard-working adult I'd always wanted to be. I found hobbies I enjoyed and a community I felt connected to. I found time to work on my personal interests and time to travel. My life was on the terms I created for myself. 

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Several years after graduation and three months after meeting someone, I took three pregnancy tests - all ending up positive. I remember feeling my stomach hit the floor. I wasn't sure whether to be excited or completely terrified. I felt guilty for not feeling excited - an emotion I genuinely didn't feel for most of my pregnancy. I'd always wanted to be a mother, but the timing was definitely not in my favor. This was mostly because I'd just met the guy who was the father and also because of an unforeseen family situation that was making my mind spin.

One week later, we discovered we were having twins. On top of that, my boyfriend would be leaving the state for four months to attend a military training and would not be around for a good chunk of this critical time. When the second trimester hit, back pain became severe and I was put on disability from work. This brought forth the realization that if I didn't work full-time, I could not pay for my apartment or my bills. Therefore, I moved out of my apartment and into my mom's house for three months.

Fall came and I moved into my boyfriend's apartment in a completely new city filled with people and places I did not know. I did not have a job (except for some freelance writing I was able to cling onto), I did not have any nearby family or friends, and I definitely did not feel as if I knew the man who returned home four months later. I too wasn't the same person he'd met earlier that year, but we decided to stick it out for our family. This obviously didn't happen without emotional breakdowns and disagreements - we were learning to love one another again despite the obvious differences we were discovering about one another. 

The day our girls were born was a day we will never forget. The cliche is true - the moment you hear those cries, you completely fall in love. I didn't expect to cry when I heard my girls cry in that operating room, but we all did. However, it took months before I felt a genuine bond with them - something I continue to feel guilty about though I know I shouldn't.

It has been two years since the birth of my girls and about three years since I've worked a full-time job. I am still transitioning. I am still mentally wrapping my brain around the fact I have barely any income, my family and friends are miles away, and I'm living a version of the "life I always wanted," but one I did not expect. I love my girls. I love them more than anyone could possibly understand.

I am still transitioning into this new life and I'm not quite sure when, or if, the transition will end. Motherhood isn't a glittery shell of rainbows. There are those cracks and I proudly embrace them. It took a while to embrace the hardships, but I'm slowly getting there.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: What I've Learned

  1. Your children will be your whole world. In a way, I needed this awakening. I needed my routine to not be fully set by me anymore. My girls have controlled everything about our lives for the last two years (well, not everything). As newborns, their schedule became my schedule. Now, as toddlers, I create a schedule for them that will benefit them as the day progresses - I just work with it.
  2. You must make time for yourself. Though I do not put myself first anymore, I do not put myself last. As a mother, we all need time to ourselves to focus on our mental well-being. Without that time, we would all be rocking in a corner in some psych ward. It's the truth. I make sure to find time during the week to work-out and do some personal writing. I do my best to spend time with my boyfriend and work through the struggles we still face as a couple.
  3. Life is a continual transition. It was a huge step going from being an independent adult to being a stay-at-home/work-from-home mother who rarely does anything without twin toddlers clinging her thighs. However, I'm learning that every step of life is a transition and how you accept the change is how the change will play itself out. Some transitions are more drastic than others, but if you look at them and realize this was just the next step in your story, you will move forward and kick some major butt.

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