My husband said that I could leave the house to go to a party. It was just a simple party where there was somebody trying to sell us stuff, but I didn't care because it was so nice to get out of the house! My husband is always encouraging me to leave because he knows that I work so hard and I am with the kids all day every day. It is a lot of work being a working stay at home mom and so he tells me that he can be the sole parent for the evening. I love that my husband understands how hard I work and what I do for my family. I showed up at the party without my children (I had three kids at the time) and one of the women there said, "where are the kids?" Before she would let me even say that they were with dad she said, "oh is dad babysitting?" I said something like "No, he is at home with his kids." She was confused because she thought I was confused. I walked away because I didn't know what else to say. My husband is never babysitting, he is being a dad.
Can we stop saying that fathers are "babysitting" when they are just home with their children? I use to babysit when I was in middle school and high school. I would get picked up by the family, I would watch their children for a few hours, they would pay me and then bring me home. That is how babysitting works. Those children were not mine and I was being paid for my babysitting services. My husband, is their father and it is his obligation to take care of those children just as much as it is mine. I am a stay-at-home mother, but nobody would ever go up to my husband and say, "oh is your wife at home babysitting?" That just wouldn't make any sense.
In another situation I went to a baby shower for a friend. I showed up without my children because I wanted to be able to socialize and not worry about my kids getting into stuff. I walked inside and there were a couple of women who brought their children. One of the women showed up and said, "oh I thought you would have you kids!" And then I said, "oh no, they were not invited. They are at home with dad." She looked sad for a second and she said, "You are so lucky that your husband is willing to babysit." I was shocked by this and could not believe that in 2020 women and men both consider dads watching their own children being considered as babysitting. All I responded was "I watch them all day long so he can take them for two hours." I know that made her upset because there was obviously some disconnect with her and her husband.
I came across a post called Dads Don't Babysit on Crossroads Church websites, "There’s a mentality in our culture around fatherhood that tells us some version of this: Men are bumbling idiots who lack the emotional intelligence, attention span, and tenderness to be good parents. For the most part, men tend to ruin kids, so parenting is best left up to women. This mentality grew out of a lot of pain. Sadly, some of us had dads who were distant, abusive, or just exhausted." In the post, he shares how sometimes dads act like babysitters and that is why the mentality of dad's babysitting is still holding strong. He shares some of the ways that dad can be more like a dad and less of a baby sitter.
- A babysitter says what you can or can’t do. A dad tells you who you are: Dads should be using affirming, positive words to build their children's identity.
- A babysitter fills time. A dad makes time count: Babysitters are always looking at the clock to see when the parents will return. Be present and in the moment and don't think about the moment when mom gets home. Spend quality time with your kids.
- A babysitter has fun at the moment. A dad has a long-term vision: Babysitters are like the cool and fun aunt, they don't care if the children are screaming around the house, eating a lot of sugar, and watching television. Dads should be thinking about their kid's overall health and continue to think about the overall health and safety of their children.
- A babysitter makes sure a kid survives. A dad makes sure they thrive: The babysitter's job is to keep the kids alive and safe while the parents are away. That is their only job. In reality, if the babysitter just watched television the entire time then they did their job. That is not what a dad should be doing. They aren't just trying to "keep the kids alive"
Imagine being at an office of the CEO of a major company. His receptionist answers the phone and relays the message to the CEO. Then you say, "wow you are so lucky that your receptionist answers the phone." Well, the CEO would look at you really weird because that is exactly why she got hired! Her job is to answer the phone and taking messages. By praising men for watching their own kids it seems very weird because you are literally praising them for doing the job they are obligated to do. Much like it is the receptionist's job to answer the phone, it is the dad's job to watch his children.
It feels like men can just breathe and they are considered to be just amazing dads, but then moms feed their kid's french fries for dinner and they are mom-shamed. Mom-shaming, at least it is for me, comes way more from other moms than it does from any other person. It's the older women who are the ones to always comment about my husband babysitting, my husband "helping" around the house, and how he is such a good father. My husband is a great father, I agree, but he isn't a good father because he watches his children. Watching his children is his job! My husband has a job where he makes money, but he is a father always, he never gets off the clock. I contact him at his job to tell him about the kids. When he gets home from work he doesn't "get a break" because being a father means you are always a dad. I am always a mother and he is always a father.
As a society, we need to make sure that we are not saying things about a dad that we wouldn't say to a woman. You would never say "mom is babysitting," and you wouldn't tell mom that she is amazing for "helping" her husband with the dishes. Dad doesn't get dad-shamed for returning to work after the baby is born, but mom does. Dad gets a participation trophy while mom gets criticized for every little thing. It seems like because women are the ones to physically grow the baby that they are automatically more responsible for the baby.
We have to all start doing our part if we ever want to get rid of gender stereotyping. We get it, the average man can lift more than the average woman, cool here is a cookie. That doesn't mean that you are better than women in any way. I am going to teach my boys that we are all equals. We may have different bodies, and women are the only ones who can have babies, but as far as responsibilities in this world, we are equal. Dads have the ability to do the laundry, the dishes, vacuum, care for the children, and clean the house. Mothers have the ability to work outside of the home, mow the lawn, fix the car, and do home maintenance.
Let's all come together and make a difference!