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The Most Awkward 9 Months of a Woman’s Life

Any woman that dreams of becoming pregnant, or has had the joy of carrying a child knows how amazing of a feeling it is to be expecting!

We get to look forward to so many special moments! The first kick, the ultrasounds, the gender reveal, and that beautiful pregnancy glow. But as exciting as it is, it’s also a time to “leave all of your insecurities at the door.”

Our bodies become not only ours and our growing baby’s, but our Dr’s take part ownership of our bellies, our breasts and yes, our vaginas for what sometimes feels like months that will never end! Our husbands and boyfriends who once viewed our bodies as temples of perfection will now get to see things leaking from places they didn’t even know were possible.

So, as a mother myself and someone who got to experience twice what it feels like to have my privates leased out and open for viewings for ¾ of a year, I decided to write this article for some relatable reading and hopefully a good laugh for my fellow mama’s and mothers to be!

“Ok sweetheart, now just lie back and put your head on the pillow. Bum down here and feet in these stirrups…scootch your bum down more please….more….MORE. Ok, now drop your knees…Honey, I need you to spread your legs farther apart, I have to be able to get inside there…So, any plans for this evening?”

And, so it begins.

As women, I’d say we kind of had it tough enough already! We are the emotional ones. The sensitive souls. We PMS. We cramp and bloat and bitch and hate the world for 5 days a month, each and every month….and, we bear the children. And during this, we have more parts that need to be examined on a regular basis than any man on this Earth!

And when we are with child, these parts need maintenance for what seems to be every damn 10 miles. Sometimes I think we’d like to be able to go the clinic, drop our pants, “Cough cough,” and be done! We are the ones with the bigger balls for this 9 month period!

10 First Month

The first trimester of being pregnant is probably one of the best and the most difficult for a lot of women. We’re on such a high of finding out the news that there is a tiny little life inside of our bellies.

A life that will be loved more than anyone could ever imagine.

A life that will bring our relationships together and make our families stronger. But, at the same time, it’s commonly a time of extreme fatigue, morning – should I say 24 hour sickness (whoever the hell named it morning sickness should be punished, badly) hormonal imbalance and the growing and stretching of all our body parts!

“No big deal, I’m growing a placenta…I’m growing a fucking placenta???” Not to mention, this now officially marks the beginning of a whole new relationship between you, your baby daddy and your doc… Prepare to be poked and prodded monthly…by both of them!

9 Second Month

If you suffer from morning sickness, you will probably come to find, that the last time you threw up this much you were 3 years old and your mom was holding your hair back while she helped you lean into the toilet.

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That old saying about eating crackers and drinking Gingerale when nauseous becomes a crock of shit and NOTHING you attempt to eat will stay down. There are stages to this madness and I feel for the ladies that sit at Level 10 during this part of their pregnancy!

Keep a barf bucket beside the bed, one in the backseat of your car and a brown paper bag in your purse just in case!

8 Month

Don’t touch my boobs! Anytime from conception to around the 12th week mark, our breasts are SORE! Don’t touch em, don’t rub em, don’t bump em, just leave my girls alone! And while you’re at it, “Can someone pass me a pillow!”

Body parts become achy and sleepiness sets in at its strongest. Bears go into hibernation during the winter. Women would like to go into hibernation during this first trimester of pregnancy. Swaddle me and rub my belly. That is all.

So, the belly starts getting bigger, we start eating bigger and baby starts growing bigger. Everything is going as it should be, right? Smile and nod and enjoy this exciting time with your man.

7 Month

Some of us bask in the glow of being pregnant at this stage. And to those of you, lucky bitches! The rest of us are still sleepy, feeling moody, and looking “fat.”

We all know that stage when WE know were pregnant, but those people that don’t might be looking and thinking “that poor girl has had one hamburger too many.” So grow belly grow! And speaking of food, our sense of smell is now that of a dog and anything that is not favorable, is, NOT favorable!

The butter lover popcorn we once adored is now the nastiest most horrid smell in the world.

6 Month

Finally feeling great! Our bellies have taken shape. Our ultrasounds are under way. The baby has either started or soon will be, high fiving our bellies and letting us know he/she loves their mama! Month 5 or 2nd trimester is that time where it really all starts becoming real!

The horrible fatigue actually seems to completely convert into extra energy, our sex drives are recharged and the light at the end of the tunnel is bright! The body “take over” is finished, right?! Halfway point, passed….

5 Month 

“My chest is on fire!” Some of us, myself being one of them, experience real life flames burning ferociously inside our body. Oh yes, it is possible people. We can catch on fire from the inside!

The acid reflux, heartburn, indigestion…whatever you want to call it, is so extreme that I remember being brought to tears because of it! Tums are the candy of choice. And the glass of milk that used to come before bed is now a glass of Gaviscon. FML.

4 Month

Do ya like tiger print? How about Zebra? Well, however you look at it, if ya like stripes then this month is for you! Cause this is usually the time when your worst enemy tries to come and take over your tummy…and sometimes your hips…and boobs…your thighs…Okay, possibly everywhere.

Meet “Stretch mark.” The biggest fucking asshole you’ve come across in the last 7 months. You’ve done all you can do to try and avoid him. And still are doing everything you can to keep him from multiplying…but he just seems so damn happy with your body that he tries to take over everything. And his efforts are incredibly good.

Halter tops, short shorts, I love you. But, we will never meet again.

3 Month

So, the belly starts getting bigger, we start eating bigger and baby starts growing bigger. Everything is going as it should be, right? Smile and nod and enjoy this exciting time with your man.

Keep the spark alive. Go out for a nice dinner to embrace all of this happiness….let him hold your swollen hands. Gaze into your sleep deprived eyes and tell you jokes to make you smile even harder than you already are…laugh at his jokes and then, pee your pants….What the hell is going on?

2 Month

Nausea. Headaches. Sore back. Swollen feet. Hemorrhoids. Heartburn. Discharge. And your man wants to what????? Not to mention, having sex with an 8 month pregnant belly is kind of like strapping on a ten pound backpack to the front and back of yourself and being sent hiking up into the hills.

Exhaustion sets in after the first 5 minutes and dehydration follows almost immediately after. Landscaping your girl parts becomes a thing of the past and you start to wonder if he admires it the way he used to. The last time you saw your vagina it was viewable and still shaved just the way he liked it.

Now, it is gone. Hanging somewhere in the distance underneath your “backpack.”

1 Eviction Day!

Also known as Vagina Day. I mean if you think about it, this really is what it’s all about. “Come one come all! Step into my room and take a look at my vagina!”

Some of us like to invite the whole family into the delivery room and some like to keep it more intimate with just a spouse and the nursing staff, but however you look at it, you and your parts are on display! This is the day that fingers are consistently inserted.

Gels, needles, vacuums, forceps, you name it, they got it! Today could potentially be the most invasive day of your life! There should be medals given away for “Most Pliable” or “Handled 10cm like a Champ” or, because everyone deserves to be recognized, “I survived my 1st episiotomy” or “Only got to 6cm”…We should all get a little something ladies!

Now, I am not complaining nor bitching nor looking for pity with this blog, but pregnant women rock!

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