Every year there are amazing new inventions that make having and taking care of babies easier then the year before. I personally can't wait until robots take over the whole process. Until that time happens, there are new inventions daily. Let's just say you don't need every baby item out there. Believe it or not people in past generations didn't have weewee teepees to make sure they didn't get peed on by baby boys and they survived. Maybe they were a little damp, but they survived.
You will find below the list of the most luxurious (and ridiculous) baby items on the market. To be honest it may be mostly ridiculous, but in fairness it's amazing the things that are out there nowadays. You can use this list as a guide in what you don't require. Mom.me, Parents.com, and Littlethings were extraordinary resources to get up to date with the newest products out there.
15 The Nosefrida
It's the snot sucker hose that you literally suck on one end and stick the other end in the baby's nose. This invention is apparently an amazing asset to baby boogie sucking. The creme de la creme in baby boogie banishment. The “go to” in nose clearing technology. The only piece of hose you will need for your baby’s nose. I myself had kids prior to this being "a thing."
Therefore I have the luxury of sitting back and raising an eyebrow at this witchcraft. This probably falls into the “don’t knock it until you tried it category.” I however am knocking it because I don’t wanna try it and you can’t make it. P.S. NoseFrida-ans please keep reading the list even though you disagree with this one. You are going to agree with some of these, if not most. Maybe even all, but this one. Don’t you give up on me!
14 Baby High Heels
You know what? Knock it off people. Who ever thought this was a thing that needed to happen? Yes, they are soft sole and the heels are floppy. That makes it even more of a mystery. What is to be gained from this contraption? Pee Wee Pumps is what they are called. I share the name with you only because I know you aren’t silly enough to buy them. You aren’t silly enough to buy them are you? Ok, I have a secret. I like hats on my babies. This high heels is probably akin to the newsboy hat I tried to force my daughter to love. I get it a little bit. If I want to be difficult I can throw in commentary on heels being a decoration/torture device for women that we should not expose our daughters to at all, let alone when they are in diapers. However sometimes you just want ridiculously cute accessories for babies, and you deserve to spend your money how you want.
13 Giant Hand Pillow for Baby
Someone invented a pillow that is shaped like a hand for the baby to snuggle with. Yes, it looks as creepy as you would imagine. The Stir has a picture of it. Are we the only family in which the last place we would want to find a dismembered hand at 2 am is with the baby? You have to have some serious presence of mind to not be phased by that in a sleep deprived state.
We did not have this presence of mind. We did not have our minds at all for quite a few weeks after the baby came home. Some would say we didn’t have our minds when we decided to have the baby at all. Not you though, you know it’s the greatest thing ever. You also know that this is not the way, people. Hands laying around are not the answer to baby sleeping.
12 The i-Potty
Today.com/parents asks if the i-Potty is the worst or best idea. The worst. You know what kids can have sometimes? Silence. You know what won't kill them? Sitting in silence to pee. You know who would die for that chance? Any mom in the world who pees daily with an audience. Everything is not supposed to be a social event.
You can’t have entertainment at every turn in your life. Sometimes you sit and you let your mind wander. That is healthy. You may allow your child to have the greatest idea in all the world by allowing them the quiet moment to sit and contemplate the world around them. It’s very tempting to fill their lives with these things to keep them occupied. Boredom is a gift.
11 Windi Bottom Burper
This is the ying to the Nosefrida's yang. The Bump has it in it's list of wacky products that actually work. Yet, if you can't look your baby in the eye after using a product... How well did it really work?
To be honest here, I didn’t look into how this worked. I read that it was the same as the Nosefrida, but for the other end and I said “I’m out.” We have been in the trenches as parents, but I’m not willing to literally go into trenches when it’s not necessary. I only know it wasn’t necessary because I had two daughters and we were fine without this. Your model of baby may be different. I salute those of you that have and humbly request a small note on the child’s high school diploma that recognizes you for your extra effort in raising this child. You are beyond a doubt committed.
10 Baby Kuerig
I waited 30 years for my heavenly Kuerig machine. Baby's waltz in these days and have their bottles made to order. The Beaba Bib'expresso does exactly that. And it's not fair. Where is the fun of spilling powder all over your countertop and getting up the next morning to clean up the sticky mess. It's about making memories.
You can feel the jealousy through the screen, can’t you? Well it isn’t fair. If you get your baby the Kuerig machine as a baby you are setting yourself up for more extravagant presents in the future. You are going to have to buy the child a yacht by their 5 year birthday party at this rate. Don’t do it. Resist the urge.
9 Belly Buds
Play music for your baby through headphones that go over your stomach. What are you playing for your baby that you don't like to listen to? If you don't like it what should they listen? Isn't that what happens in standoffs with criminals? They play music over and over to get them to come out? Ok, save this one for when the baby is over it's due date. That is the only way I can cosign on it.
You want that baby to know your voice and your partner’s voice when they come out. You don’t want the baby thinking Beyonce is the one who kept them company in the womb. Or would you play the baby Mozart? Personally, I think you want the baby to have a sense of rhythm and I don’t know if Mozart can teach that as well.
8 Baby Knee Pads
Baby knee pads provide soft knee protection for your crawlers to protect against scrapes and bruises. But let's be real. You won't be able to protect your little one from scrapes and bruises forever. In fact, you may not want to make crawling too comfortable for your baby because the end goal is to have them up and walking. So, once they notice that crawling on their knees can hurt, it may encourage them to stand up! It's okay to build up some calluses on those knees (not literally, but you know what we mean!). It'll toughen up your little one and make future bumps and bruises easier to deal with.
You may be thinking that is heartless. You may be right. I may be a little heartless, but some of our best memories are when we got a few knocks on the knees. You learned to ride a bike by falling. If you don’t get hurt when you fall then why ever learn to do anything? You know you aren’t going to get hurt falling, so what is the pay off?
7 Changing Table
If you are short on room, this is definitely a luxury that is not required for baby. Baby doesn't give a crap where you put him/her to change them. Find a comfortable spot for you and make it comfortable for the baby. You can turn almost any space into a makeshift changing table, just be creative. You'll be glad you didn't waste money on purchasing a baby changing table that takes up space when you can just use the bed or another piece of furniture already in the room.
You do want to probably buy or make a baby changing pad. Something you can whip out and throw under the baby on the especially dangerous diaper changes. The blow outs that make you question the meaning of life. You don’t want that on the coach or the floor. Unless you are bugging the hubby for new carpet, then do what you have to do.
6 Wipe Warmer
Yeah, it seems like a nice gesture. You think hey why not? Their poor little booty must be cold. Then flash forward 13 years and you are blow drying the toilet paper roll for them in order to save their bum the shock of a temp change. Why put yourself through it, ya know. You can pamper your baby in so many other ways, a wipe warmer doesn't have to be one of them. In the future, they won't be thanking you for using a wipe warmer, that's for sure.
Also, if anyone deserves a warm tushy it’s you. You put in all the work here during pregnancy. Why does this baby get to waltz in and have Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous come to life for them? Even though you deserve a warm tushy you won’t be getting one and therefore neither shall the baby. Them's the breaks, kid.
5 Special Detergent
Shh, I don't know if I'm supposed to tell you this. You don't have to have special detergent. You can use regular. Well, unless you have a baby with sensitive skin. Then all bets are off and you should do whatever you need to... heck even get that baby a wipe warmer. They are going to struggle enough with their sensitive skin. They need all the comforts. But, if your child doesn't have any skin sensitivities, go ahead and use whatever you've been using.
Another secret is that you can use this detergent on your clothes too. Even if you aren’t a baby. In fact if your baby has sensitive skin, you will want to wash your clothes in it because the baby is going to be snuggled up on your clothes more than they are going to be in theirs.
4 Baby Timers
Apparently they make these timers now to track diaper changes, feedings, sleeping, and awake times. You change the diaper when it needs changing. You feed the baby when it's hungry and you let it sleep when it's tired. What kind of voodoo is this? You will probably have your smartphone attached to your hip, so you can easily set timers and reminders. There's no reason to purchase a separate baby timer.
You have this mom. Don’t doubt yourself too much. You have instincts and you will get through this. Everyone fears these first few weeks. You have to let yourself adjust. There are going to be adjustments to the schedule that you can’t account for. Some babies don’t go by a schedule at all. You are going to be fine either way. Parenting is us growing as much as it is growing little people.
3 Baby Food Processor
Your baby doesn't need it's own food processor unless he/she is going to make their own meals. You should not let your baby chop it's own meals. They can't read the safety warnings. Agreed? You can easily use whatever kitchen appliance you already have on your counter top. A blender, a Magic Bullet, a Nutribullet, a juicer - whatever it is, it will get the job done of mashing up your baby's food. If not, nothing a fork and strong forearm can't mash.
You love kitchen gadgets and are still tempted? Yeah, ok. You can register for it as a gift. As long as you admit that it isn’t necessary and that it’s a waste of money. Look in the mirror and admit it. Now go register and have a good time. You crazy kid.
2 Breastmilk Jewelry
I am a huge fan of baby's getting fed. Whether it's breast or formula, I can't find myself caring. Something to keep in mind. Apparently breast milk makes the best jewelry. If you are on the fence on which you plan on doing, that might be a consideration that you can make. You cannot find jewelry from baby formula. I tried. Ok, breast feeders out there: is this as weird as I think it is?
You have the baby to look at. Why does the milk have to be there? Are you going to hold on to every carton of milk they drink from? Freeze every bit of water that they didn’t finish? If you are on the fence on that may I offer a: please don’t do that. You don’t have to do this. You are better than this.
1 Baby's Poop Alarm
You can get an alarm that tells you when your baby poops. If you require this alarm, you need to go to an ear, throat and nose doctor immediately. You were born with at baby poop alarm and it's called your: wait for it.... nose. This is the tool you should find most useful in deciding when to change your baby.
When you decide to be a parent you decide to pay attention to another living being above and beyond yourself. In doing so you pledge to smell diapers and check to make sure you are not allowing your child to sit in poop. I’m sorry. That is just the way it is. Your baby deserves a sniff test every now and then for freshness. No alarm required.