I feel bad for toddlers. They get a lot of hate sometimes. I see a lot of parents flipping their toddlers off when they turn around or drinking wine to help with their toddler's "mood swings." I have heard parents suggest that they are worst than teenagers and I have heard moms say that all toddlers are sociopaths. I am a mother of four children and I have seen my fair share of toddler meltdowns. Every child is different and so every toddler is going to be very different. Your specific toddler will handle situations based on the way that you respond and based on their unique personality traits. I have had three toddlers and each of them has been so different but there is one thing that toddlers have in common, they are desperately trying to find their place and trying to learn how to process all of their feelings.
Not only am I a seasoned toddler mom, but I have also had a lot of outside experience that has made me well-versed in the toddler behavior. I have worked at a preschool and worked for a few years caring for children 18 months to 3 years. I also got my Bachelor's degree in Sociology and my Master's Degree in Criminal Justice. I have spent a lot of time studying the development of toddlers and how to properly interact with the "tantrums." The most important part about tantrums is understanding that they aren't trying to ruin your life and to try to put yourself in their shoes. Imagine feeling like you don't have any control over anything in your life. Imagine people never listening to you and often telling you what to do and when to do it. Imagine being told to share your stuff and then apologizing when you hit somebody because they broke your favorite toy. I feel sorry for toddlers. Be patient with them. Remember they have the same exact feeling and emotions as adults but they haven't learned any skills to handle those emotions.
Here are some ways to help your toddler learn how to handle those big emotions. Teach them right now how to react to their feelings so that they can develop positive ways to deal with different situations.
- Teach them about different emotions: Explain to your toddler what different types of feelings there are and the reasons that they feel the way that they do. Read them books that describe what they might be feeling. Think about personal examples that they might be able to relate to in their own life. You could say, "Abbie, remember when your friend took your toy?" Have the toddler explain what kind of feelings she had and explain to her the type of emotion that was.
- Tell them You have feelings too: It is so important for toddlers to understand that everybody experiences the same feelings as they do. It is important that your toddler knows that they are not alone. Tell your toddler the times in which you felt a certain emotion. You can say, "Abbie, I felt really sad when you called me 'stupid' because that hurt my feelings."
- Check yourself: You can even tell your toddler when you are feeling a certain emotion. Children learn how to react to situations from their parents. Yes, genetics do play a part, but it is often how they are taught. If a toddler sees their dad or mom scream every single time they are feeling frustration then the toddler is likely to scream when they are feeling frustrated. The Nature vs Nurture debate has been long discussed but it seems like there is no one or the other; it is a little bit of both. It would be ridiculous to assume that your toddler would handle stress if they continue to watch their parents unable to handle stressful situations appropriately. It is fascinating when adults get frustrated when their toddler copies them. The other day my toddler was screaming at me and I was trying to concentrate on something. Instead of saying, "shh" and putting my finger by my mouth, I shouted "shut-up" instead...oops. So, then he turned to me and said, "no you shut up!" Well, I couldn't yell at him and tell him he can't say that because he just heard me say that. We did have to have a conversation about mom shouldn't have said that because it is not very nice to say.
- Validate their feelings: Don't ever tell somebody how they should be feeling. Have you ever been sad and somebody informed you that you shouldn't be sad? Have you ever been offended and somebody told you that you were being too sensitive and that shouldn't have hurt your feelings? When somebody belittles your emotions it does not feel very good. Toddlers do not want to feel like they shouldn't be feeling that way. It doesn't help to tell them that they shouldn't be made, or they shouldn't be sad. Don't tell them to stop crying, or to stop being sad. That doesn't help. It's like telling somebody who has anxiety to calm down. It doesn't help and it won't magically fix anything. You have to validate your toddler's feelings and tell them that it is okay for them to feel like that.
- How to handle their feelings differently: it's not that toddlers are out to make trouble. Sometimes they aren't trying to just be defiant. They sometimes just don't know how to handle the situation. If somebody comes up and takes their toy they might have an initial response of using physical violence. Many times adults who have participated in criminal activity were not socially educated to handle difficult situations in an appropriate manner. If your toddler wants to respond by hitting then maybe you should tell your toddler what a better way to handle that situation would be. You can tell your toddler that they should ask their friend nicely, go to an adult, or they can go find another toy.
Toddlers can be very difficult because they don't have the same problem-solving skills as most well-adjusted adults have. Toddlers are going to do things that just make you scratch your head because they are still learning and they are trying to figure out their feelings and where they belong in this world.