There is going to come a time in the not so distant future when the baby is going to repeat things that escape mom or dad's mouth just like a parrot. This is going to be hilarious for a little bit, until the baby attends school and gets in trouble for some of the more colorful word choices. In order to help prepare and hopefully deter this from happening, we have created a list of curse words that might be handy to start practicing before it begins.
You may have just read that shared Facebook article about how the study that showed people that swear a lot are generally more intelligent. That may have lead you to believe that your F bombs and such are not something that needs to be controlled. You certainly have that right. However, someone as smart as yourself can certainly find a way to curb some of those bigger cusses before the child gets a hold of them and spreads the potty mouth virus across daycare. Right?
Here are some "cursing" suggestions that aren't really cursing. We make no judgement on parents who decide to forgo them and use their own standbys. These are purely for those who find themselves at a loss for expletives when the need arises. Oh, and for entertainment purposes. Feel free to share your non cursing - curses below too.
15 Great Googly Moogly
This one works for so many different scenarios. You drop your fork on the floor, throw in a "Great Googly Moogly." You have a headache and your spouse is trying to tell you about their day... "Great Googly Moogly." You can't get comfortable in your bed, "Great Googly Moogly." Computer Crash? You know what to say. This is a super fun, clean one too. It doesn't sound like you are trying to get around cursing and if anyone hears you, they aren't going to think you were raised by a trucker and a sailor next to a profanity factory.
The other bonus with this phrase is can you imagine when your baby gets old enough to parrot you? How cute is it going to be for them to say this one with their marshmallow mouths framing the words a little off. Adorable. You must use it, record it and send to me because CUTE!
14 By Golly
This one is to replace something like "By God." So an example to fix a sentence with "By God" would be something like"Stop that by Golly." Hmmm. I'm not sure that is going to gain a lot of respect. Maybe a "By Golly I'm hoppin' mad over here, fellas." Yeah that one is going to have to be worked with a little bit.
"Gee willikers by golly. That was awful." Maybe that could be something there. The only thing is I'm not sure it really drives home how horrible something really is. It sounds like it was just semi unpleasant. It's not the same as something sounding earth shatteringly awful by God.
Let's assume you have a better handle on that one. Don't lose faith. You definitely can make that work better than me. This is your moment to shine here, by golly. Don't you ever give up.
Sugar is going to be in place of like the "sh" word. Dropping things would maybe an instance where you would want to whip out the "Oh Sugar!!" It doesn't really require a lot of finery around it to make a point. It's more of a short exclamation that shows displeasure than something that needs explanation.
You probably aren't going to use this one before launching into a lecture on what was done incorrectly and how to approach it correctly next time. This is an acknowledgement that you are aware things didn't go right, you are frustrated by it (whether it was your or someone else's fault) and you are ready to move on quickly.
My recommendation is if you use the name "Sugar" as a pet name, to forego using this one as a curse alternative. That will just create confusion. You may be cursing in your head and your husband thinks you are trying to get fresh with them (albeit in a new and exciting way) best to avoid.
12 Holy Cow
This is pretty common where I come from. Maybe because we are surrounded by cows and prairies. All though there are sheep around too, and I haven't ever heard anyone yell out "Holy Sheep." Kind of like to experience that now that I've thought of it.
You are going to want to use Holy Cow in place of "Holy Sh&^." Think of it as communicating awe and wonderment. It can be used in good or bad situations. You can be in wonderment at how stupid people are or you can be in awe of how kind people are. Just depends on the day. Here are some sentences to practice to see if it fits on you:
"Holy Cow! That sunset is magnificent."
"Holy Cow! Did you really just say that to me?"
"Holy Cow! What is that smell?"
"Holy cow we must have covered that to death by now!"
11 For The Love Of Pete
Personal favorite right here. The longer exclamation gives me time to gather myself as I decide what exactly will be the punishment for whatever offense caused me to utter the words. It's like a soft exhale upon finishing the words too.
Examples for it's use include getting off the phone with the IT department after being told that the files you require aren't going to be here. Finding out your daughter spilled the whole glass of milk that she had to have filled to the brim. Exclaiming to your husband after finding out that he locked the keys in the car or backed into the garage door before putting it up. Yelling it at anyone who ate the last piece of pizza. It's incredibly versatile.
Umm ok, well we have Holy Cows and we have bullspit where I come from. There are worse things. Bullspit is going to come in handy when you are with proper company and you don't want to use the sh-word. Now some would say - why can't you just say "that's Bull!" The answer to that is it's just not a strong enough statement for some circumstances. You need them to know that you wholeheartedly don't believe them and there is no chance that you are going to be fooled. The only way to do that is to invoke the saliva of the male cow. If people tell you any differently, well they just don't know things like I do.
So let's practice.
"Carl! That's bullspit. I never told you that I could do the splits"
"Stacey, don't you bullspit me with that ridiculous story. I was right there with you."
9 Dag Gummit
There are a lot variations on this one. Dog Gonnit, Gosh Dangit, Dosh Gangit. Basically they are ways around saying "G*d Damnit." Now that isn't always a curse word in all company so it's hard to know where it falls. In my particular family it was always considered a curse to say Damn. We would try to work around it by talking about dams that stop water, but it was pretty clear that you wouldn't being issuing a curse from G*d onto the water stopping structure eventually. Then we got in trouble.
Therefore in mixed company it's always best to eliminate anything with potential to cause discomfort. No one is going to be uncomfortable with Dag Gummit, unless it's to be uncomfortable at how incredibly amazing you are at not swearing. We can't promise that won't happen. In fact we might be secretly hoping that does happen. Then you can send everyone on over to check out how they can be exactly like you.
8 God Bless America
What an amazingly patriotic way to express displeasure. Can you imagine a better way to let your child know that America is great and to be pissed that you drop something at the same time? This is why we are great multi-taskers right her, moms. Use this when you drop something or under your breathe when you come home to a mess.
If you aren't an American, this may be a little awkward to work into your rotation. I'm still going to humbly request that you try for two reasons- we have to see how it rolls off your tongue. It could feel "right." And two have you heard what we have going on here with the President? We need any blessings we can get. Just saying. You do what feels right. That one just seemed like a two birds with one stone. I'm sure it's all fine. We are all going to be fine.
7 Nuckin' Futs
This seems super dangerous to me. There is no way that 75% of you are going to successfully say this instead of the other one. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't try though. Imagine if we hadn't tried to land on the moon? Yes, I am comparing this to landing on the moon. It's like exactly the same, mostly.
So this is going to be used when you are explaining to someone how extremely messed up something is.
"Hey, Carol. I'm going nuckin' futs with washing all these bottles around here."
"What Carol? Of course I do it every day. Are you nuckin' futs?"
Good luck with that one out there. Even typing that one there were slip ups. It is an improvement over the curing though and that's what's important. Baby steps to a potty free mouth. That is our ultimate goal. You can do it.
6 Swear To Christmas
This one is a scary prospect. Be careful with uttering these words because you do not want to get carried away and have the big man in the red suit upset at you. That is worse than sending the kids to school knowing all the curses. Santa never forgets. Probably because he's such a good list taker, I would imagine.
This one can be used to swear an actual oath in replacement of the "Swear to God." It also can be used to threaten to get some action if progress has stalled. For example: "I swear to Christmas if those Shopkins are not picked up by the time I get out of the shower things are going to happen." If you can't relate to Shopkins, feel free to replace that with Legos or some other small toy that your children may leave out and about for you to step on.
5 Good Gravy
Who doesn't like gravy? Point me to them and I will bring them to have some of my mom's and then they will love it. You know why? Because it is some Good Gravy! That isn't necessarily how you would always use this one though. That would be a very limiting scope to try it out.
Good Gravy is a good replacement for things like Good Lord! or Good God! They are slightly more polite than throwing out something with religious connotations. Hardly anyone worships gravy (though if we are being honest I could understand if they did), so you are unlikely to offend if you use this replacement. This can also be quite fun if you want to exalt over the gravy. You can do one of these "Good Gravy Grandma, this is good gravy." How fun is that? Words, they are such a good time, right?
4 Horse Feathers
This is not common to me. If you guys use this one, tell us in the comments where you've heard it. Just out of curiosity. Want to verify that the areas are familiar enough with horses that they know they don't truly have feathers. Kidding of course. We know you all know.
Horse Feathers seems like it might be something like the "Holy Cow" option. You use it in place of yelling out the sh-word. Of you use it if you catch a mistake you made. An example would be "Oh horse feathers, where is the white out? I hit the wrong key on my typewriter." You have to wonder why they don't have a computer instead of the typewriter, though. Then they wouldn't need the white out at all. Also wouldn't need to avoid swearing so much. Here's hoping you're accessing us through your computer and not a typewriter.
3 Pluck My Life
There is a common letter combination out there that goes FML. If you've seen it and not been able to figure out what it means, we are going to clear it up right here. It means "F" My Life. However that's kind of abrasive. If you want to use the same idea, but tone it down a tad feel free to throw out a Pluck My Life. Here is the trick- you are going to need to clearly enunciate that because it is very close and any wrong move on that first word is going to give people the wrong impression. Also lets be honest if your child picks up on this one, he or she is likely to sound like they are cussing even when they aren't. Maybe you should just say FML. Hate to reverse myself mid point, but it's the sensible thing to do with how this one is going to sound.
Thanks to autocorrect this one sort of jumped into the language stratosphere as a natural replacement for the f word. I'm pretty shocked that iPhone thought so many people had daily problems in which it would required them to lower themselves quickly to avoid being hit with something. Really it's not a problem that I face much at all. It boggles the mind. Do you suppose the iPhones are like "What? This makes no sense she wants the ducking car keys. Car keys can't duck. I will never understand humans." Or maybe and this is probably most likely-they don't. Because they are just ducking objects and they don't think at all. That took a sad turn.
Ducking is pretty easy to use. If you are unsure if it's appropriate as a replacement, go ahead and type the sentence with the "f" word into your phone. If the autocorrect changes it to the "d" word you are good. Oh, Ohhh not that "d" word. Ducking. It should change it to ducking.
1 Peas And Rice
This one is going to be an exclamation of displeasure at a circumstance that has arose. Not always about food though it's obvious why you might get that idea. This is going to be another one that replaces using religious figures as cussing word. This just goes to prove that food is a good substitute for almost anything... love, feelings, anger, and swearing.
Here are some examples where Peas and rice are going to be used:
"Peas and rice, Pam. How could you wear the same outfit as me today?"
"Peas and rice! Someone stole my purse."
"Peas and rice! This is not going how I imagined. I have really done it this time."
"Peas and rice, please." -that one is putting an order in at the cafeteria. It can still happen. We want to provide every possible option here. You have to prepared for it all.